Mindfulness and Relationships

*”When I was a young man (woman), I wanted to change the world. I found it was

difficult to change the world,so I tried to change my nation. When I found

I couldn’t change the nation, I began to focus on my town. I couldn’t

change the town and so I tried to change my family. Now, as an old man (woman), I

realize the only thing I can change is myself, and suddenly I realize that

if long ago I had changed myself, I could have made an impact on my family.

Then my family and I could have made an impact on our town. Their impact

could have changed the nation and I could **indeed have changed the world.”*

*~ Unknown monk*

I have noticed that in interpersonal relationships there is often a rub. That rub in my experience has to do with my own wanting things to be a particular way, as though there was one right way for things to be. I find no peace when I persist with this and my relationships suffer. If, instead, I become an observer of my own desires and attachment to having things be a certain way, I can relax, respond and let go.

Ok, it’s the Holiday season. Families gather together to enjoy each other’s company and to remind each other of all the gifts we have to be thankful for despite the challenges and disappointments.

But I am aware of some anxiety and trepidation. How will it be to all be together? While we may wish for a perfect scenario, the reality is that if we persist in that delusion we may create what looks perfect from the outside but is hollow inside. True intimacy is fraught with edges, lumps and bumps and witnessing unhelpful habitual patterns.

So I guess that resting in reality or as Pema Chodron says “relax into the groundlessness” is more vibrant and alive, even if it is sometimes messy, uncomfortable and unattractive. There are movies made about family holiday gatherings and what I love about them is that they make us lighten up and laugh. There is a lot of joy in imperfection.

My wish for all of us this season is that we don’t so much relax in our own good fortune but include in our thoughts and actions others whose lives are far short of anything to be grateful for. What good are gifts if they are not to be shared.

Why won’t other people change???

Observations…